THE IMPACT DIARIES

Peter J. Coleman

Latest from me

Instagram

New @bodaskins aviator for the autumn 🍂 🙌🏻🙌🏻 ...

5 0

#bankholiday chill time with the #family ...

7 0

Friday night - kicking back with @gracecolemanprofessionalimpact ...

5 0

In 2 parts
-
Today marks 11 years since my dad passed away. I last see him alive at the North Middlesex Hospital on the evening of 28th July 2019 at 8pm. I kissed his forehead as he sat starring out of the window across the sun setting over towards Tottenham.
-
I was numb and didn’t for a second think that would be the last time I see him alive. Mum phoned me at 2pm on in the early hours of 29th July 2019 to say the hospital had been on the phone and that we needed to get their urgently.
-
I dropped mum off at the steps of the hospital and had to drive my work van out of the grounds and park outside. It had been hot the previous day and I remember running through the hospital grounds from my van to meet my mum in the pouring rain. -
For some reason I stopped in the middle of this downpour and looked up and just knew. When we got up to the 7th floor of the main block we were met by the night nurse, a lovely Indian guy who sat us down to tell us that at approx 1:am, on routine checks they found my dad non-responsive and despite their best efforts there was nothing they could do.
-
I was numb - the way is was said allowed me to announce his death to me in my own mind. I then immediately said I didn’t want to see him. The nurse explained it would be good for me as he had lost his father years before and it helped him begin the process.
-
I still remember pulling back the curtain and seeing my dad’s lifeless body laid out on the very bed I helped him into only hours before. I’ve never cried so loud in my life as I collapsed hugging him. He was always warm and looked warm but to feel the coldness of his forehead hit me like a train.
-
Over the years I’ve struggled to come to terms with his death, almost blanking him out like he never existed and in doing so forgotten who I am, walking around like an empty vessel, doing my best to be a good dad for my daughter whilst waking up everyday starting into this hollow void.
-
You change, you get older and time moves on, but still you’re stuck. I was coming out of an 8 year long battle with depression at the time and right as I was feeling it lift, my dad’s passing sent be back in, deeper this time.
...

10 2

Continued...
-
So, finally today I was able to shed some tears from a DEEP place inside my soul, I even propped up a fold up chair at the grave to talk to him. I was there for almost 2 hours and for the first time I connected with him. The words came and the tears flowed for a few moments. I left the grave feeling tired but with a sense of peace and connection with the man who brought me into this world and always lifted my spirit.
-
Afterwards I took a drive down the road to the King and Tinker pub for a quick half where he used to take us as kids way back in the late 70’s early 80’s.
-
Bereavement never leaves you, but it changes shape, eventually offering new perspectives as we move forwards in life. Today, for the first time since my dad died, I can feel a sense of closure coming and at last the ability to see the blue skies. If you hurt like mad inside and feel lost to yourself and others hang in there - this journey is yours, and you’ll grow through that.

Good night and God bless xx
...

4 3